Under the Nimbus Clouds

Currently playing:
"Elegantly Wasted" by INXS

"Colon Cancer.
Your mom has been keeping this for almost a year now but I have to tell you.",
as my aunt retaliates.

So,
I waited for the rain to come but I was hit by a storm.
The past few weeks was very tremendous.
It's one of the greatest turning points of my (so-called dragged) life.
And it's the first time that I fear death.

Sometimes,you pretend that you are brave enough to face death.
And most of the time,
you convince yourself that you're always ready to die.
When things get tough and you feel like it's the end of your world,
you always wish you're dead.
You had an argument with your family and then you just wanted to die.
You had a fight with your very bestfriend,
and you wish she'll be there on your deathbed.
You broke up with your significant other,
you just feel like dying and you wish him he's dead,
and gone.
It's always YOU and the idea of death.
But you just can't imagine seeing your loved ones dying ahead of you.
You always want to go first.

I remember when my model bestfriend,
A,
told me that it's a very selfish idea when we think of dying first and leave our loved ones to grieve.
It's true.
And the only thing that we can do is to be strong and think of the people alive.
But honestly,
I'd rather be selfish than grieve.
I have been suicidal my entire life which makes me feel I'm already immortal.
It's been my nth life,
my nth chance.
I almost played God.
As what I'd always say,
I know my time would come but it has to be according to my plans.
I'm not just gonna die unglamorously.
But it's a different thing when you think about death and your loved ones.

I truly understand how my bestfriend Ces felt when her brother was rushed to the hospital.
He was safe but there was a fear of death from her.
I was also petrified.
You tried to be strong for her but still you can't stop the hysteria that would run into your own veins.
It's always the irony of being tough,
being strong,
and feeling unbreakable.

And my greatest fear had come.
Although my mom would still need to undergo several tests and colonoscopies,
the word "cancer" always means death for me.
She may live for another century or God may take her anytime.
My aunt told me that she's just relaxed when she learned about it.
She was all okay to accept her illness although she'd prefer sickness with lesser pains (she's not really fond of medical procedures).
She's basically ready.
But the question is,
am I ready?

No matter how courageous you are to say that you can die anytime,
still,
you fear death when it comes to your loved ones.

Knock on the wood (3 times).