Under the Nimbus Clouds

Currently playing:
"Elegantly Wasted" by INXS

"Colon Cancer.
Your mom has been keeping this for almost a year now but I have to tell you.",
as my aunt retaliates.

So,
I waited for the rain to come but I was hit by a storm.
The past few weeks was very tremendous.
It's one of the greatest turning points of my (so-called dragged) life.
And it's the first time that I fear death.

Sometimes,you pretend that you are brave enough to face death.
And most of the time,
you convince yourself that you're always ready to die.
When things get tough and you feel like it's the end of your world,
you always wish you're dead.
You had an argument with your family and then you just wanted to die.
You had a fight with your very bestfriend,
and you wish she'll be there on your deathbed.
You broke up with your significant other,
you just feel like dying and you wish him he's dead,
and gone.
It's always YOU and the idea of death.
But you just can't imagine seeing your loved ones dying ahead of you.
You always want to go first.

I remember when my model bestfriend,
A,
told me that it's a very selfish idea when we think of dying first and leave our loved ones to grieve.
It's true.
And the only thing that we can do is to be strong and think of the people alive.
But honestly,
I'd rather be selfish than grieve.
I have been suicidal my entire life which makes me feel I'm already immortal.
It's been my nth life,
my nth chance.
I almost played God.
As what I'd always say,
I know my time would come but it has to be according to my plans.
I'm not just gonna die unglamorously.
But it's a different thing when you think about death and your loved ones.

I truly understand how my bestfriend Ces felt when her brother was rushed to the hospital.
He was safe but there was a fear of death from her.
I was also petrified.
You tried to be strong for her but still you can't stop the hysteria that would run into your own veins.
It's always the irony of being tough,
being strong,
and feeling unbreakable.

And my greatest fear had come.
Although my mom would still need to undergo several tests and colonoscopies,
the word "cancer" always means death for me.
She may live for another century or God may take her anytime.
My aunt told me that she's just relaxed when she learned about it.
She was all okay to accept her illness although she'd prefer sickness with lesser pains (she's not really fond of medical procedures).
She's basically ready.
But the question is,
am I ready?

No matter how courageous you are to say that you can die anytime,
still,
you fear death when it comes to your loved ones.

Knock on the wood (3 times).

And It Pours

Currently playing:
"With A Little Help From My Friends" by The Beatles

Things had been very crazy lately.
I almost gave up breathing.
But still,
I managed to survive grasping for air.
I asked for a rain but I got stormed.
I was really scared.
The fear of mortality sucked me whole.
When things get tough your only wish is to die,
as if you're brave enough to face death.
But when death is threating your loved ones,
you just can't imagine how scary it is.
My spiritual adviser told me that everytime we wish we're dead we're cursing our loved ones at the same time.
That's why,
be always careful what you wish for and you might get it,
if not,
the people you love will.
Knock on the wood three times.
Now,
I wish for life.
More life.

How the past few days changed my outlook in life?
Here's what really happened.

My Kanojo bestfriend was in hysteria when she broke the news that her brother was rushed to the hospital due to dengue fever.
Thanks God he's all fine now.

Few days later,
my aunt told me that mom's got a colon cancer and she's been keeping this for more than a year now.
I was so shocked that my eyes stiffed I couldn't even shed a tear.
We're still waiting for the final diagnosis.
I'm still in denial.
I just couldn't accept it that she'll be sick with such illness.
She's the most unbreakable woman in this world.
I'm still praying for some miracles.

And last week,
my closest uncle was sent to OR to have his appendix removed
(he just got out today and he's already recovering).
I couldn't say anything more.
Things were getting hiatus back home,
there are a lot of things that my family and my friends had gone through,
and I just can't tell what's happening with me here in Cebu.
T's the most dramatic episode of my life.
I felt helpless,
and worthless.
I can't even help them right now.
It was the only time when I asked for God's help again.
And tried to keep it all to myself.

Again,
God proved to me that I'm His beloved spoiled child.
And He had my ears once again.
Lessons were learned and relived.
Now,
I see sunshine.

And It Rains

Currently playing:
"King of Pain" by The Police


Don't ask me how's my life?
I never had one ever since.
Do not even bother to ask if I'm okay.
"Life is perfect never better",
as I would always quote from Tracy Bonham's "Mother Mother".
Thanks the goddess who gave birth to your gods,
I can still handle my existence.
Fighting the "moments".

This year was like a long cruel summer.
There were bright joyful moments.
Tolerable pains.
Lightly-colored events.
Bearable problems.
Comic memories.
Chicken shit issues.
I was laughing all the time.
I don't even remember shedding a tear (except from watching touching reality show programs such as "Wish Ko Lang",
"Reunions",
"One Proud Mama",
etc.).
And to sum my life for the past 11 months.
It was a summer of fun,
a crazy and a nauseating face-off with the sun.
I was always happy.
My perspectives in (my so-called dragged) life has always been positive.
I was always the super-kalei-optimistic adopted son of a biotch.
But I got totally exhausted for being happy.
Terribly tired of being perky.
And got absolutely bored with contentment.
Now,
I just want to collapse due to severe heatstroke and wait until the big rain melt my heart that had turned into stone.
Yes,
I maybe full of life but I never lived.

Tales of The Third Sex Goddess

"The queerest of the queer.
The strangest of the strange.
The coldest of the cool.
The lamest of the lame.
The numbest of the dumb.
I hate to see you here.
You choke behind a smile.
A fake behind the fear.
The queerest of the queer.
You're nothing special here.
A fake behind the fear
The queerest of the queer."

The queerest god is born.
Casting it's spell.
Talking evils.
Unveiled.
Stripped.
And uncensored.

"The Queer Quests" coming.

Old Flame and Old Lame Excuses

Currently playing:
"Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me, Kill Me" by U2

1203 AM (Manila time).

The guy I've been waiting for my whole life but I've been trying to avoid for the past 3 weeks just showed up in his full meaty flesh.

"I dropped by to see you.
I'm glad you're all okay.",
WeeGee,
looking ggod and smells tastier than ever.

"I told you,
I'm just fine.",
he texted me this afternoon saying that he read somewhere that I was hospitalized.

He texted me when I was in the hospital but I did not reply.
Honestly,
I was just waiting for him to call me or make a suprprise visit when I was confined.

"Lunch?",
those stare that can order me to die is getting into my veins again.

Gasp!
"Uh-no...
I just got 3 minutes left.",
I'm such a liar.

"Okay...",
but those lips,
one more sweet word and I'll die right there right away.
"So,
got plans for tomorrow after here?"

Inhale.
"Church.
I'm going to the church.",
liar!!!

"Just...
text me if you wanna meet after.",
and that tapped on my shoulder wires a thousand energy.

"Sure!",
final lie.

And his girlfriend just called him from the stairs.

"Oh,
I have to go.
I'm running late.",
don't look back.
Exhale.

See Me in Threes?

Currently playing:
"Scar Tissue" by Red Hot Chili Peppers

They say that our heart has three layers.
The pericardium,
myocardium,
and the endocardium.
That's why love is classified in three ways:
a love for the family,
a platonic (friendly) love,
and a romantic love.
That's just my opinion,
you can go ahead and disagree.
Just leave a comment.

I'm still trying to recall where I heard or read this thought that people can see your heart by layer.
The 3rd layer's the first one that other people sees in you.
These people are not really related to you.
They can be your colleagues,
new acquaintances,
fans,
detractors,
etc.

A family,
a friend,
a lover or somebody close or someone you considered as a bestfriend sees the 2nd layer of your heart.
They always think that they know you,
the basic facts about you,
mostly trivial.
That's why most of them knows how to make you happy and how to hurt you intentionally.

Then,
the first layer of your heart.
Only you yourself or a very bestfriend or someone very special to you who can only see it.
It's the strongest layer who keeps your darkest secrets,
the stealthiest part.
Too delicate because when it's hurt it can cause a big damage to your life.
And this is something that you try to keep only for yourself,
if possible.

In my case,
I let people see the inner layer first.
At least,
they'll know how to look at me in any ways.
I'm loosely transparent.
Too vulnerable.
Love me.
Hate me.
It's just how you see me.

No Beam Beer

Currently playing:
"Bachelorette" by Bjork

It's "All Soul's Day"
Good thing I don't feel creepy,
yet I'm practically bored.
And some other five people that I know.

The Queen of the Grenadine Bolz is already complaining about being stucked in her fiances house for two straight days watching DVDs.
And there's 2 more days to go.
She was looking forward to spend an extravagant four-day vacation from north to south of Cebu.
But John,
screwed all her plans when he went out of the gym yesterday noontime.
Now,
the Queen's declaring marshall law by 12 AM (Manila time) tonight.

My bestfriend,
Ces,
is alone in her apartment reading Murakami's "The Wind-up Bird Chronicle" playing some music.
She's trying to avoid watching local TV programmings tonight.

Ken's bugging me with his death jokes.
I don't know but I got very upset.
I bet he's bored being alive on the day of the dead.
I'm currently fighting for life and I just thought it was a bad timing.

Lionel almost died when he received his paycheck so he decided to work on his restday.
He's killing a good time to live for the next payday.

And the the "bored"-est of them all,
WeeGee.
I just don't know what comes into his mind and asked me to meet him at the station by 12am.
Is this a trick or a treat?
I'm petrified.
He's the scariest ghost from the recent past alive.

NEW...vember

Currently playing:
"Push It" by Garbage

I want to start a new life.
Honestly.
I just don't know where to start.
But I'm starting now...
from this scratch.

I've been on a deadly roller-coaster ride for the past few months.
Now,
I feel like a zombie.
I died sometime,
somewhere along that ride.
My happiness ranges from 98% but had gone down to 67% sometime along the way.
There was a time when I saw my gorgeous body lying naked like a corpse waiting for someone to pick me up like a broken egg-shell.
At least,
somebody did.
Placing me on an orchid pot as a fertilizer.
I say,
I did not fertilize but I was just a crumbled decoration.
What am I talking?

My sister would still try to convince me that I need to see a psychiatrist.
We both agreed that our mental case is genetic right after she sat down an entire Sunday watching Tim Fywell's "Norma Jean and Marilyn".
I recommended the documentary "Imelda" by Ramona S. Diaz.
And I told her it wasn't really genetic.
It's the result of our last names combined to our middle names.
And that she's mad while I'm just crazy.
End of sibling rivalry.